Six months ago

I was so caught up in the success of the pedi visit that I missed putting the dates together. It was six months ago last week that I sat in that same doctor's office, wrestling with the decision of whether or not to take the leap and submit my letter of intent to adopt Wei J. I can't believe six months can feel like a lifetime ago and just yesterday at the same time. I'll share some of what I journaled that day...but beware, it's a long one!

I’m still in a daze.

Thursday (4/17) at 3:02 I was working and couldn’t grab my cell but I saw I had a missed call from - hey that area code is Austin, I wonder if … and those first three digits look familiar, could it be my agency?? I frantically searched for and opened email from agency that I’d received earlier in the week … omg yes I think it might be them! Immediately dropped what I was doing, checked my voicemail and my heart skipped when I heard the message to please call them. My first thought was incredulous disbelief - omg could they have found a match for me???? No, that has to be too good to be true. I’ve been daydreaming about this day for so long, but couldn’t let myself believe it might actually be happening. Now. Today. I checked the two contact names for the Waiting Child program and sure enough, she was listed. Could this really finally be happening? I had sudden onset dyslexia and misdialed…told myself to calm down, and brace myself to hear something bland or irritatingly disappointing like just checking to see how you’re doing with the wait or it’s almost time to renew paperwork … took a deep breath and yep, misdialed again. Ack! Third time was a charm and I got through to the right extension. A few obligatory how are you’s, and then the words “I have this kiddo here on the list…”

My world spun.

I grabbed pen and paper because I knew the details would become fuzzy later with my mind racing like it was. His diagnosis didn’t fit any specific category (but she thought it was similar enough to some of the other needs I wrote that I’d be open to) so she wanted to see if I’d be interested in reviewing his file. A baby, less than a year old. I wrote down the bits that she told me, but this was something completely outside what I’d researched in the past so I was starting from Square One and didn’t have a clue whether or not this would be a possibility for me. I immediately started digging to see what the internet could provide as far as causes, treatments, related syndromes and prognosis. An hour of absorbing as much of the clinical aspect as I could, and I was starting to feel less terrified and leaning more towards maybe this might be a possibility. A few additional emails back and forth, and then I got his photo. My heart skipped another beat. And I couldn’t stop grinning every time I looked at the little guy’s grin and sweet face. The photo and growth report were several months old, but I felt encouraged that he didn’t seem to have any outward signs of the delays or additional symptoms that could potentially go along with his diagnosis. I threw myself into research all afternoon and all evening, and my ”gut feeling” seemed to teeter back and forth by the hour as I understood more of the possibilities, either scary or encouraging or just unknown.

My agency has requested more information for me but the process takes a little time to filter down from agency - CCAA - province - CWI and then back up the same channels. It would be fantastic to have updated photos and medicals and blood work but I knew I might need to be prepared to make this decision without it and hope for the best. I already had an opinion from one pediatric specialist on Friday, and Monday I started tracking down pediatricians and other related specialists. I sent his file for an IA specialist review, and on Tuesday was able to consult with her as well as a local pediatrician that I’m considering. Neither one of them were able to tell me much “new” from the limited information in his file - I had prepared myself to hear the worst, but neither one of them took that approach. They were just matter-of-fact and confirmed what I knew. Realistically there were too many unknowns to ever feel 100% comfortable. I'd be going in blind and mostly on faith - I just had to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Meanwhile his little grinning face was a fixture in the corner of my computer screen. I knew I shouldn’t get attached, and I needed to remain objective (even though I was already clearly smitten), but seeing him over there reminded me that this is a person’s future well-being at stake so he deserves every effort possible now in order to make the best decision that will impact the rest of his life one way or another. If I'm not the right family for him, I didn't want to be standing in the way of another who could be. No pressure. I have to give credit to my brother for shifting my perspective a bit when I was explaining my concerns about my ability to help this boy through the adjustments if it is in fact “worst case” for this diagnosis. He just reminded me that whatever the case may be, this child will be going through it anyway - that it’s this boy’s reality regardless of whether or not I choose to be the one to help him through it. The pediatrician said something similar - not all the cards are on the table and there is a lot unknown, but the part I do know is the cards *I* bring to the table in making a difference in this child’s life. She said it goes back to my motivation to adopt - and when I looked at the picture, was I looking at this child and asking if that’s a child I want to mother, or was I looking at this child as a mother and wondering how to best take care of him? I didn’t cry right then, but I did definitely tear up. It was as if a fog had lifted - the answer seemed so simple.

I don’t know if I can chalk these up to being “signs” but they are at least interesting coincidences. I could never explain what it was that triggered me to decide that it was time to stop just thinking about adopting and start applying to start the process, other than just feeling like that’s what I was supposed to do and when I was supposed to do it. As it turns out, this child was born just over 9 months after I requested the application packet from my agency. And he showed up on the list on the anniversary of the day my dossier arrived in China. I foolishly was convinced when I applied in ‘06 that I’d be traveling right around the Olympics. If things work out now, that timing could still in fact come true. He’s also from the northeastern part of China in an area I felt drawn towards all along. Of course these were not the reasons I said yes, but they just remind me that my feeling that my child was waiting for me in China was truer than I could have known at the time.

This whole process has been so emotionally draining. You reach a point where you have to steel yourself or you’ll let the wait drive you crazy. It’s hard to hope. It’s hard to feel joy. It’s hard to believe sometimes that it’s real and it’s going to happen. I looked at his photo and I wanted to, I really wanted to feel all of those things but I was afraid to let that happen because if I lost him or couldn’t say yes, I would only be adding to the burden my heart carries every day. Late Thursday night it struck me that today I may have seen my son for the first time. And I cried the tears of suppressed hope and a year and a half of love that’s been building without knowing its intended outlet. I am still afraid to hope and probably won’t feel safe to believe he’s real and he’s mine until I hold this precious little one in my arms.

So, six months ago I said yes, this is my son and the countdown started...and it's turned out far, far better than I ever dared to hope. Man, do I ever love this kid. :)