Looking back, looking ahead

Today I walked into my bank lobby and it struck me like a ton of bricks how much my life has changed in the past year. A year ago this week, I was in the blur of receiving my Travel Approval for WeiJ and our Consulate Appointment confirmation, purchasing tickets to China and arranging our rough itinerary. At the time I only had a few outdated photos and a full heart... today I have THOUSANDS of photos and a constantly overflowing heart. I could never have even come close to imagining what my life would be like, not in my wildest dreams! This was the same bank lobby I walked into 343 days ago to collect my crispy new bills for travel. And today I walked in to get a cashier's check for almost an identical amount. Crazy full circle stuff.

Why was I getting that cashier's check? Because today I closed on our beautiful new house!! :) I think all the moving arrangements are done - unless I remember something else at the last minute of course - and we should be all set to move into our new digs this weekend. So just like this time last year, it will be a frenzy of sorting and organizing and packing, getting ready for a giant step to a new beginning. I wonder what August 2010 has in store?

Safe at Home

Well, we're home and trying our best to settle back in to the boring old routine after 2 weeks of go-go-go fun-fun-fun. I have to say WeiJ was an absolute trooper with the flights, even better than I would ever have hoped for. At 2 he's a seasoned pro!

We have an extraordinarily busy week ahead of us....ok really *I* have an extraordinarily busy week ahead and I just hope he continues to be his usual adaptable self while I muddle through it all. I'll post more about it when I come out on the other side - and for that matter I'll put together our vacation highlights then too - but for now the chance to sleep in my own bed is calling me loud and clear.

For all you family we just left yesterday, you should know that WeiJ has been calling for each of you individually in his roll call every few hours. He was ready for "more byebye" this afternoon and was sorely disappointed that there were no more airplanes today. We will see you again soon, but not soon enough for him!

Little Scholar

I've always heard that foreign language acquisition is so much easier at a young age. Combine that with WeiJ being an absolute sponge (sometimes for good, sometimes not so much) and you can imagine what he might be capable of.

Clearly, he's picking up English like nobody's business.

But he also speaks a little Mandarin. He says "good morning" - zao shang hao - complete with the sing-song tones....so what if it really sounds like wahwahWAH. It's still cute as can be! :) He also mimics some of the words on Ni Hao KaiLan, which is kind of fun to watch. It's just not so much fun when he laughs out loud at my attempts too.

He also apparently speaks a little Spanish. He was watching Dora the other day, and I heard them ask if the "cocodrilo" (crocodile) was "arriba or abajo" (up or down)....and without hesitation WeiJ said abajo! I was floored that he copied it so well, but then I looked and holy cow he was right, too! At this point I wouldn't be surprised if he's saying other things in Spanish all the time and I've just not watched enough Dora to have learned them yet.

So - English, check. Mandarin, check. Spanish, check. As of this weekend, he's added a 4th language. After umpteen viewings of Finding Nemo, he has picked up the ability to speak...WHALE! It was so hard not to crack up uncontrollably but it was so darn cute!

OK lest anyone think all he does is watch tv, I also bought him a new shapes/puzzle game. Basically there's a plastic mold with indentions for the shapes to be put together to form pictures, and cards for him to match up shapes with the pictures on the cards. Then the card also shows how the shapes can be rearranged to form other shapes. I know, he's only 2 - but I thought it would be right up his alley and I was right. He can sit completely engrossed in that activity for quite a while, and the first time he tried he almost got the whole puzzle finished with very little help. Brainiac!

A Special Note for LaoLao

For the past few weeks we've been trying to use any opportunity to help WeiJ understand that he's going to be going on a big trip to visit LaoLao. Any chance to talk about airplanes, beaches, water...everything is about going to see LaoLao this summer. If we see something about a beach, it's "oooh, we're going to see a beach when we see LaoLao!" His new book from ZaZa has photos of an airplane, so it was "hey we're going to get on an airplane when we go see LaoLao!" So now whenever he sees a plane, he says "NaNao" (his attempt at LaoLao)...and for that matter, he says NaNao at the picture of the helicopter and hot air balloon too. I suppose we're building it up sufficiently because the last couple of weeks anytime we go anywhere he thinks that's where we're going. I think if he had the words to put together he'd be shouting, "enough with the build-up already, lets get on a plane and go!" :)

So this afternoon WeiJ brought me his little wooden boat (that he got to paint yesterday at the park with the other families with kiddos from China) and said, "NaNao boat." I asked,"are we going to see boats when we see LaoLao?" and he *shouted* "UH HUH!!" When I said yes I'm sure we'll see boats, he said "NaNao squeeeeeeee" and wrapped his arms in a hug. So NaNao, I think there's a hug coming your way....

A Year and a Moment Ago

One year ago today, my world spun.

One year ago today, my hands shook.

One year ago today, I couldn't think straight.

One year ago today, I was completely dazed.

One year ago today, my dream had a name.

One year ago today, I held my breath when I opened my email... and then laid eyes on this face for the very first time.

Looking Ahead

I'm supposed to wax poetic - or at least nostalgic - today of all days, right?

The thought occurred to me this afternoon that this is the first year in recent memory that I haven't been saying good riddance by the time 12/31 rolls around. 2004 had my car accident, 2005 had my subsequent back surgery and allll those months of physical therapy, in 2006 I was just ready for the new year so I could start my dossier, in 2007 I was eager to be another year closer to finally being matched with my child. If anyone had told me then that this year would bring what it did, I surely would not have believed it.

So here we are on the verge of closing out 2008 and I'm actually a little sad to see it go. 2009 will no doubt bring more wonderful adventures and amazing discoveries, but 2008 took me to the other side of the world and brought me back to a whole new life. 2008 was when something bigger than even my wildest dreams came true. 2008 was when WeiJ and I - WeiJ and all of us - became a family.

In the year ahead we'll be celebrating WeiJ's second birthday...his first at home. And appropriately enough, it falls on my first Mother's Day. There's a first haircut yet to be had, a first cake to be eaten, a first circus, a first petting zoo, a first real day at the pool. And I'm sure we'll celebrate finally being caught up on those pesky vaccinations! We'll enjoy our first spring together, our first summer together and maybe even our first trip since China. We'll spend plenty of time at the zoo and at Sea World, and log quite a few miles strolling the neighborhood. We'll be celebrating lots of "a year since"s and countless other milestones. 2008 was the beginning, but there are so many more firsts to be had! So even though tomorrow takes us another step away from the baby I met this fall, in 2009 I'll get to watch him continue to blossom into the wonderful little person he is becoming. Yes, BIG things ahead! :)

WeiJ and I wish you all a warm and wonderful 2009 and hope it brings you all much joy!

Giving Thanks

So much to be thankful for, so little time....

I only teared up a couple of times today, during random moments that struck me as reminders of how different life is this year. Watching the parade, I had a flash of WeiJ's giddy excitement in years to come as he gets old enough to understand what he's seeing. Then as I was chopping onions and celery, WeiJ was entertaining himself by bumping up against the backs of my legs and bouncing off. Things definitely went slower with him underfoot, but hearing the pure joy in that laugh is priceless. And then tonight I looked around the table it was hard not to think of family lost and family gained. Yes, life is definitely different this year...but I'm grateful for every new tradition we're about to create - with WeiJ at the center of it all. He is surrounded by love, and for that I am awed and grateful.

With my whole heart I'm thankful to be this little guy's mama. I am blessed, blessed, blessed that my brilliant, charming, precious, sweet little boy found his way home this year.

WeiJ Loves Wednesdays

Wei J sure likes his audience on Wednesday evenings! He was a rowdy one tonight, jabbering away and running and spinning and just generally showing off. There was a *lot* of laughing coming out of that little guy tonight. Between the blocks and the tent and tunnel and the music and shadow hands, Wei J was a maniac and didn't want to stop to eat dinner!

For some reason - maybe it's because it's sinking in that November is actually here - the topic of the holidays came up a few times tonight. It's hard to believe that this year I get to celebrate with Wei J actually home. No more wistful daydreaming about someday, when my child is home...this year it's all finally for real. No more wouldn't it be fun to... or I can't wait to.... This year I get to watch my amazing kiddo experience the holiday season for the first time. Fair warning - I may start crying now and not stop until New Year's!

Six months ago

I was so caught up in the success of the pedi visit that I missed putting the dates together. It was six months ago last week that I sat in that same doctor's office, wrestling with the decision of whether or not to take the leap and submit my letter of intent to adopt Wei J. I can't believe six months can feel like a lifetime ago and just yesterday at the same time. I'll share some of what I journaled that day...but beware, it's a long one!

I’m still in a daze.

Thursday (4/17) at 3:02 I was working and couldn’t grab my cell but I saw I had a missed call from - hey that area code is Austin, I wonder if … and those first three digits look familiar, could it be my agency?? I frantically searched for and opened email from agency that I’d received earlier in the week … omg yes I think it might be them! Immediately dropped what I was doing, checked my voicemail and my heart skipped when I heard the message to please call them. My first thought was incredulous disbelief - omg could they have found a match for me???? No, that has to be too good to be true. I’ve been daydreaming about this day for so long, but couldn’t let myself believe it might actually be happening. Now. Today. I checked the two contact names for the Waiting Child program and sure enough, she was listed. Could this really finally be happening? I had sudden onset dyslexia and misdialed…told myself to calm down, and brace myself to hear something bland or irritatingly disappointing like just checking to see how you’re doing with the wait or it’s almost time to renew paperwork … took a deep breath and yep, misdialed again. Ack! Third time was a charm and I got through to the right extension. A few obligatory how are you’s, and then the words “I have this kiddo here on the list…”

My world spun.

I grabbed pen and paper because I knew the details would become fuzzy later with my mind racing like it was. His diagnosis didn’t fit any specific category (but she thought it was similar enough to some of the other needs I wrote that I’d be open to) so she wanted to see if I’d be interested in reviewing his file. A baby, less than a year old. I wrote down the bits that she told me, but this was something completely outside what I’d researched in the past so I was starting from Square One and didn’t have a clue whether or not this would be a possibility for me. I immediately started digging to see what the internet could provide as far as causes, treatments, related syndromes and prognosis. An hour of absorbing as much of the clinical aspect as I could, and I was starting to feel less terrified and leaning more towards maybe this might be a possibility. A few additional emails back and forth, and then I got his photo. My heart skipped another beat. And I couldn’t stop grinning every time I looked at the little guy’s grin and sweet face. The photo and growth report were several months old, but I felt encouraged that he didn’t seem to have any outward signs of the delays or additional symptoms that could potentially go along with his diagnosis. I threw myself into research all afternoon and all evening, and my ”gut feeling” seemed to teeter back and forth by the hour as I understood more of the possibilities, either scary or encouraging or just unknown.

My agency has requested more information for me but the process takes a little time to filter down from agency - CCAA - province - CWI and then back up the same channels. It would be fantastic to have updated photos and medicals and blood work but I knew I might need to be prepared to make this decision without it and hope for the best. I already had an opinion from one pediatric specialist on Friday, and Monday I started tracking down pediatricians and other related specialists. I sent his file for an IA specialist review, and on Tuesday was able to consult with her as well as a local pediatrician that I’m considering. Neither one of them were able to tell me much “new” from the limited information in his file - I had prepared myself to hear the worst, but neither one of them took that approach. They were just matter-of-fact and confirmed what I knew. Realistically there were too many unknowns to ever feel 100% comfortable. I'd be going in blind and mostly on faith - I just had to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Meanwhile his little grinning face was a fixture in the corner of my computer screen. I knew I shouldn’t get attached, and I needed to remain objective (even though I was already clearly smitten), but seeing him over there reminded me that this is a person’s future well-being at stake so he deserves every effort possible now in order to make the best decision that will impact the rest of his life one way or another. If I'm not the right family for him, I didn't want to be standing in the way of another who could be. No pressure. I have to give credit to my brother for shifting my perspective a bit when I was explaining my concerns about my ability to help this boy through the adjustments if it is in fact “worst case” for this diagnosis. He just reminded me that whatever the case may be, this child will be going through it anyway - that it’s this boy’s reality regardless of whether or not I choose to be the one to help him through it. The pediatrician said something similar - not all the cards are on the table and there is a lot unknown, but the part I do know is the cards *I* bring to the table in making a difference in this child’s life. She said it goes back to my motivation to adopt - and when I looked at the picture, was I looking at this child and asking if that’s a child I want to mother, or was I looking at this child as a mother and wondering how to best take care of him? I didn’t cry right then, but I did definitely tear up. It was as if a fog had lifted - the answer seemed so simple.

I don’t know if I can chalk these up to being “signs” but they are at least interesting coincidences. I could never explain what it was that triggered me to decide that it was time to stop just thinking about adopting and start applying to start the process, other than just feeling like that’s what I was supposed to do and when I was supposed to do it. As it turns out, this child was born just over 9 months after I requested the application packet from my agency. And he showed up on the list on the anniversary of the day my dossier arrived in China. I foolishly was convinced when I applied in ‘06 that I’d be traveling right around the Olympics. If things work out now, that timing could still in fact come true. He’s also from the northeastern part of China in an area I felt drawn towards all along. Of course these were not the reasons I said yes, but they just remind me that my feeling that my child was waiting for me in China was truer than I could have known at the time.

This whole process has been so emotionally draining. You reach a point where you have to steel yourself or you’ll let the wait drive you crazy. It’s hard to hope. It’s hard to feel joy. It’s hard to believe sometimes that it’s real and it’s going to happen. I looked at his photo and I wanted to, I really wanted to feel all of those things but I was afraid to let that happen because if I lost him or couldn’t say yes, I would only be adding to the burden my heart carries every day. Late Thursday night it struck me that today I may have seen my son for the first time. And I cried the tears of suppressed hope and a year and a half of love that’s been building without knowing its intended outlet. I am still afraid to hope and probably won’t feel safe to believe he’s real and he’s mine until I hold this precious little one in my arms.

So, six months ago I said yes, this is my son and the countdown started...and it's turned out far, far better than I ever dared to hope. Man, do I ever love this kid. :)

I lost a post!

ACK! I worked for HOURS yesterday on a post for today and it's gone. I was just signing on to finish and post part 2...which will now be out of context without the first post. I am too tired to fight with blogger tonight so I'm heading to bed.

Well, if WeiJ's nap schedule allows then tomorrow I'll try to recreate as much of the original post as I can.

All is well in WeiJ land except we're having trouble getting to sleep and staying that way. He's going to bed too late, waking up too early, and not napping nearly long enough. Other than that things are continuing as they were with me chasing him around and trying to keep that brain of his occupied!

16 Months or 16 Days?

To look at him, it's hard to believe that he's been home for only 16 days and not the whole 16 months.

It's also hard to believe that a month ago today, we were off on our way to China at the very beginning of the most amazing journey. A month ago today, I left home with a suitcase, a duffel bag of donations, and list of unknowns a mile long but a heart filled with hope. A month ago today, I only knew the photos I had been memorizing for the past 4 months. I knew the whats and whens but nothing about the who. A month ago today, I hadn't yet stood on the Great Wall or strolled the gardens of the Summer Palace or been struck by awe of the beauty in the culture and community of the Chinese people. A month ago today, I think the best part of my life was about to begin.

Not much of an update

I don't have much to update for today. I think the two of us were just wiped out from the week. Can you believe we didn't get out of bed till almost 11? Good boy!! Well really he woke up at 6:30 so I gave him some milk and his snack trap with cheerios and he was content to chatter, "read" books and watch cartoons in bed for a couple of hours. Then he decided he was tired enough to take a morning nap (yay!) and slept until almost 11. We both needed the rest!

Oh, but the first word out of his mouth bright and early this morning? "Duh"...yes, I'm sure WeiJ had dreams about ducks and fish and lots of bread.

Can You Hear Me Now?

WeiJ's been curious about phones ever since we were at the White Swan and he heard his ShuShu's voice on the line. Now that we're home I let him use my old work phone to play with and he just jabbers away. Guess which one was candid and which one he noticed I had the camera at the ready....

Oh, Little Man of Mine

I think I've been a little better about the emotional sappiness that made me ready to cry at the drop of a hat before I left for China. I think my focus has been so much on the moment-to-moment attention to his needs that I still haven't taken time to step back and reflect much. But tonight...tonight this little man moved me to tears and I can't stop. There was something different about bedtime snuggles tonight and I was just overwhelmed by knowing that just three weeks into our time together, I'm where he feels safe. We had some sad crying again after nap today, but he clung to me and fell back asleep in my arms. Tonight wasn't just laying next to me, not just touching his feet or a hand against me. Tonight was burrowing in to snuggle like he's been here his whole life...or trying to get as close as he *should* have been held his whole life. He was burrowing in the way you do with someone who feels like home, someone who makes you feel warm and safe and loved. He tried to reach his little arm underneath me to get even closer and my heart broke and melted at the same time. We have quite the road ahead of us and oh how I wish I could rewrite his story to protect him from such losses. This funny, smart, sweet little man in his striped dinosaur pajamas...he overwhelms me. However did I become so blessed with the honor of being his mama? He inspires me to poetry, and he has my whole heart.

It Wasn't Me!

Not much new to share today, but I wanted to put something out there...just for future reference to let the record show he DID NOT get this from me!!

I knew he spent a lot of time moving and re-straightening rugs (in fact none of them are currently where they're supposed to be) but it didn't dawn on me tonight that he's probably going to have a compulsion to put things in order. We were on our way to take a bath - he was squealing and excited and waving his arms...but had to stop to straighten out the corner of the bath mat before returning to the excitement of bathtime. So in the future, when he's alphabetizing his books and putting things in order by size or shape or color ... it wasn't me!!

Home Sweet Home

There really is no place like home!

Baby J was an amazing trooper on all 3 flights home. He only fussed briefly a couple of times - once before landing in Shanhai (and fell asleep about 15 seconds before we landed) and once while we were waiting too long on a hot plane to take off from SFO. Again, he fell asleep just before the actual takeoff. My little guy slept right through immigration in SFO so it was a bit of an anticlimactic moment when he became a US citizen. He also slept through the swearing in at the Consulate so for all he knows, nothing's changed. ;)

So here we are 31 hours after waking up this morning and it's still Friday. But I'm home. Baby J had a bashful attack at the airport today - I guess that many hours of traveling can make even the hammiest ham feel a little worn out. He went to sleep tonight at his normal time after a bath and reading 2 books. Well 3, if you count reading the Nose Book twice! He's a little hesitant about the cat and doesn't really want much to do with her. The dog is definitely more than he was ready to handle today so we're keeping a good distance there too.

I'm so glad to be going to sleep in my own bed tonight - and boy does this mattress feel super soft after the beds in China! I can barely keep my eyes open to type this so I'll finish the rest of my thoughts tomorrow. Time to go put some ice on these tree stump ankles and hope for the swelling to be down when I wake up. I think every part of me needs lots and lots of good rest this weekend. Whether or not that happens remains to be seen...let's hope he's asleep for real and doesn't just think this is a nap!

Just a Quick Post

Baby J says HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDPA!

T Minus 22 Hours!

What profound thoughts are in my head this morning?

Me sleepy.

Yeah, that's about all I've got. Because if I LET myself think about all that has to be done in the next 22 1/2 hours I might just go a little batty!

But what gets finished will get finished and what won't, won't. I'll just be making the extra trips to Wal Mart in China instead of the Wal Mart down the street. Oops, should I be painting this as some kind of exotic adventure? I think the Olympics coverage let the cat out of the bag a little bit - we won't exactly be roughing it.

Well this may be my last post from the US, depending on how the day goes. Things are still surprisingly calm. Granted, I've experienced the occasional flip out over people - or inanimate objects - not doing their jobs, but generally speaking my energy level isn't as high strung as I would have guessed. The only things that really matter are that I'm going to China tomorrow, and going to meet my little guy in 4 1/2 days. What more really matters?

Next stop: Beijing!

100% Pure Sap

Alright, let's just get it out in the open. Baby J, your mama's a great big sap.

Nothing like getting ready to get on a plane to go change your life forever to get a person to get a *teensy* bit reflective. I was sitting here earlier and scrolling through the visitor ticker to see who had stopped by. I love having that there and it always makes me smile. Not because you all are coming to read my rambling ways but because you are all part of the immeasurable love that is about to surround this little guy. I hear so many stories about adoptive parents-to-be who find themselves alone in the journey or are criticized or find that their children are unexpectedly shunned. Honestly that possibility never crossed my mind, and you all are proving me right. To see how many people are rejoicing with me is something beyond moving, something beyond special, something I will keep in my heart forever.

To my family and friends, I say thank you for being by my side in this journey. I can't wait to start telling Baby J his adoption story and about how many people watched and waited for his arrival, ready to embrace him with more love than anyone could ever imagine. The gifts, the comments, the emails, the support...well I'm not sure how much fuller my heart could be.

To my waiting friends who are mommies and daddies to be, I say hang in there! I look forward to celebrating each of your happy arrivals in their time. Your support and encouragement over the past couple of years has been so special and I'm grateful that you've been part of my adoption journey. I wish all of you peace during your wait and truly look forward to each and every announcement.

So much about this journey has been a series of unexplainable circumstances that led me to Baby J. Whatever the reason, we must have been meant to find each other. I'll share more about those in a separate post one day soon. For now, I'll just say the journey so far has been amazing and I consider myself blessed in more ways than I can count.

I'm Almost Packed Too

I was right - far less time and effort went into choosing my clothes! Of course that also has something to do with not having nearly as many options to choose from! It's just my first pass at this though, so I may be refining over the next couple of days. I know hotel laundry is cheap, but how many outfits can one sweat through in a day when it's mid 90's with 90 percent humidity? I wish we could stay up north in Beijing and Tianjin the whole 2 weeks - it's supposed to be upper 70's to low 80's during our stay. The 10-day forecast doesn't cover the Guangzhou portion yet, so fingers crossed for a nice cool front to move through before we get there!

So let's see. Nursery is ready. Laundry's done. Baby's packed. I'm packed. Electronics are charged and ready to go. I've survived the attack of the profanity-inducing printer and killed a tree printing all the documents to take. Looks like the only things left on the list are picking up prescriptions, picking up the money from the bank, finishing a boatload of assignments at work and chopping off a foot of hair to donate to Locks of Love. I guess that could wait, but looking at that Guangzhou forecast I'm really ready to be rid of it. It's going to be a JAM PACKED next couple of days!

Oh my gosh. TWO days, 21 hours and 46 minutes left!!

I can't believe I can actually say I leave THIS WEEK. The last couple of weeks have really flown. It seems like just yesterday that the Olympics started. What better way to pass the two weeks leading up to a trip like this than watching such an amazing event that's RIGHT THERE where you're going to be? I wouldn't want to be the London organizers at this point. How do you follow a display like that? Wow. Baby J will be 5 then and *gasp* getting ready for school?!?...my brain can't quite handle that yet. :)