My Angel is Here

Again, not enough words.

And again, a blur.

I was preparing myself for a difficult transition, but of course hoping the smiley baby from the photos would be the one that came through the door. Wait, let me back up a few minutes.

I woke up bright and early this morning – 5 something, then 5 something else, then 6:19…I guess I was ready for the day to start! I didn’t eat much for breakfast this morning because the butterflies had set in. Another buffet – not as good as the Beijing Holiday Inn but ok. At least we didn’t have to order from a menu with crazy translations! I made a few last minute photocopies and then we were ready to meet our guide at 9:30.

It was a short drive, maybe 10 or 15 minutes to the orphanage. We turned down what looked like a back alley with lots of activity – people selling a variety of fruits, a woman serving up some kind of soup. Andrew Zimmern would have stopped, but I think we’ll be sticking to food NOT prepared outside. As we neared the end of the alley/street the driver slowed and I had another moment of sadness thinking about Baby J’s birthmother and wondering what kind of conditions she comes from and what kind of existence she lives. We passed the guard gate into a very pretty tree lined courtyard and pulled up to the doors – this was it.

Walking up to the doors of the orphanage, I saw a little girl on the inside of the doors that was maybe 4ish and so cute. She watched us coming in and offered a small smile before she left. I wondered if my little guy would be in the room waiting for me – would I turn a corner and finally see him? We were taken to a small room – some sort of office I think – and I signed a few copies of 2 documents: my desire to adopt Baby J and the 24-hour custody agreement. We’re now about 3 hours into the Harmonious bonding period and will sign more papers tomorrow to continue the process.

A woman (nanny, maybe?) came in with some bags and that’s when I found out my little guy has been in foster care for the past year rather than living in the orphanage. I wish I had known that so I could bring a special thank you gift for them. Inside the 3 bags were all his worldly belongings – some toys, some of the milk he is used to drinking, and quite a few outfits. Everything tells me he’s been well loved and watched over. My guide handed me a couple of papers in Chinese…and when he said it was from the foster parents I started to cry. I’m so grateful to have these things for him when he gets older – these things are all he’ll have of China and the life he had before we came together.

As soon as I heard “foster family” my thoughts switched to preparing myself for him to be grieving the loss of that family. And then we heard the crying baby. It broke my heart. I don’t know how long ago he was dropped off before we got there, but my little guy was having a tough time. He didn’t reject me though, so that was at least a relief right off the bat. He was a little stiff at first but then was holding on and letting me rub his back. But how bad did I feel carrying him down the stairs with him calling out for Mama with big tears rolling down his cheeks?

I know it’s all part of the transition but it pains me that he has to go through so much loss. He cried for the ride home and was only distracted by toys for a few minutes at a time. (Note to Aunt T and Uncle B...we were two-fisting an Elmo firetruck and a squirty frog for most of the ride!) We came straight to the room and tried for a few minutes to distract or entertain him. Even the magic Cheerios weren’t doing the trick! Fortunately my mom, brother and SIL understood what was going on and offered to step out of the room for a while – four of us might have been just overwhelming. I definitely saw some good signs – I put him down on the bed a couple of times and he immediately reached back up with both arms for me. And when we looked in the mirror, I was able to get some eye contact for a few seconds at a time. When I shifted his weight to my hip, he latched on with his little legs so I think that’s how he’s used to being carried. I think at this point he’d been crying hard for at least an hour so I tried making a bottle for him. Lucky me, he drinks a kind of milk that comes in little containers so all I had to do was pour it in his bottle. He quieted down as I was doing that and took the bottle from me when I offered it but still broke down into tears every couple of minutes.

And then…and then I saw the ipod on the table. My brother had been going through my bags to pull out all the toys and books and had set the ipod on the table. I remembered the playlist of all those songs I listened to during the wait when I thought of Baby J and remembered some of the lullabyes (lullabies?). I sat in the chair by the window and leaned him back against me and started to sing (ok I sang softly, I didn’t want to traumatize him more!) and hum the parts I couldn’t remember. I just got to the second verse of “My Angel is Here” and saw his little fingers loosening on the bottle…maybe 30 seconds later his head was heavy and falling on my chest.
Ahhh, peaceful sleep. I let him nap on me for an hour and a half because I wanted him to feel safe and secure (and yeah it wasn’t an awful feeling for me either!) but he’s now on the bed next to me still sound asleep. Everyone else went to WalMart without us to shop for diapers and snacks. I thought it was a better idea for us to stay here instead of putting him through another potentially traumatic car ride. Tomorrow will be a better day for being out and about. For now I think the quiet will be good. His personality will start to come out in the next couple of days - this part is hard but it means that he formed strong bonds in his first year, which means he'll be able to again. In the long term it's so much better for him developmentally than if he was shut down and didn't know what it meant to be cared for or looked after. It will take some time but since he allowed himself to nap so comfortably with me I think we're off to a good start.

I can’t believe he’s right here.
I can't believe he's napping so soundly.
I can’t believe he’s so big! He even has little creases on his wrists and legs. Little guy’s been well fed and I'm so thankful.

After all these months of waiting, to have this sweet boy laying next to me…there just aren’t enough words.